A few years ago I was saddled with the knowledge that my team at work was going to be restructured. This meant that everyone (apart from my boss and myself) were going to be made redundant and then have to reapply for their jobs, the kicker being that there were fewer jobs available so some people would definitely have to leave the company. The knowledge weighed heavily on me, so that when it finally happened and we were in this weird phase where people were in limbo while they reapplied for their own job, I found it very difficult to talk to people and ask them how they were.
I decided that I would only mention it if they brought it up. I didn’t want to be insensitive and remind them of something difficult if they didn’t want to talk about it. I rationalised that if they wanted to talk about it they would be the ones to raise it with me. I felt very isolated from others at this time.
Three months later when the situation was resolved, I was suddenly made redundant from my own job. As there weren’t any posts available to apply for it meant I would be leaving the company within a few weeks and I was devastated. I had to continue at work while I was in the ‘at risk of redundancy’ phase and I noticed how much I appreciated people reaching out to me and asking how I was and really listening to all my mixed-up emotions and worries. What was more astonishing was that the people who didn’t mention it and either avoided me or kept a ‘business-as-usual’ approach seemed really cold-hearted to me, even though I knew rationally it was more likely that they didn’t bring up the subject out of sensitively or embarrassment just like I had done only three months earlier. I felt really let down by some of them who I had felt previously close because it felt like they were avoiding me.
Suddenly I got to be on the receiving end of my ‘no mentioning difficult subjects’ policy and I found that I really didn’t like it. When I was going through it myself, I didn’t want to be the one bringing up the bad news all the time. I suddenly realised that asking questions about difficult topics and listening to the answer is a lovely form of caring and done gently doesn’t have to the least bit intrusive or distressing for the person being asked. They didn’t need to worry about ‘reminding’ me of something distressing because it was all I was thinking about anyway!
As a result it changed the way I interact with people when I know they are going through a tough time. I don’t worry that my question will be intrusive or remind them of painful thoughts. Obviously it’s not a appropriate to got steaming in, but a gentle mention of the situation will most likely be very well received. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I heard your news and have been thinking of you.” If you like you can add, “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, I just want you to know I am here if you do.” You can then take your cue from them about whether or not they want to talk about it rather than just assuming you know what they want.
If you do reach out, then make sure you really listen to what the other person has to say. I’ve discovered that trying to comfort with general platitudes and attempting to ‘cheer them up’ doesn’t really work. Much better to allow the other person to express that pent-up emotion and eventually work round to action they can take to make them feel better. But again, don’t force this. Just listen!
So, is there anyone you need to reach out today? Sometimes lack of confidence holds us back from really connecting with others and we find reasons (excuses) like the ones I had above for not reaching out to others. You don’t need to worry about getting the words exactly right, or being insensitive. Make the connection. Hold the space for them to talk, cry, moan, laugh, plan, or whatever they need. Don’t let a lack of confidence or shyness hold you back from making a deeper connection with someone. Try it, see what happens.
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